Director's Agony - Episode 1
by Witless Pawn Bardiche
Summary: The world's most stupidest Live-A-Live fanfic is back from the dead. Unfortunately.
1. "Directing and McDonalds? I don't see th...

Oh dear. Helen gets to writing a Live A Live fanfic. And surprising, it's not the one she was planning. She tries to write a different fic, and then this silly idea gets in the way. This is a part of my no-longer-secret "Director's Agony" series, so of course, it's Alternate Universe. You MAY want to beat Masaru's scenario for this chapter, as there may be spoilers in this, and it would be somewhat easier to understand.

DISCLAIMER : I own a bunch of computers, but that's about it. Everything else (you know, Live A Live) belongs to their respective owners.  I'm not sure whom the Director belongs to, though. I'm just borrowing the characters and such to mess around with.

No flaming for the dumb AU idea, ok? I was actually debating whether or not I should put this up on Fanfiction.Net, and then I decided "Eh, it's only another piece of rampant stupidity, what harm can it do?".

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DIRECTOR'S AGONY - "EVERYBODY WAS... NOT QUITE KUNG-FU FIGHTING."

A Live A Live Alternate Universe fanfic, Part 1.

By - Helen Donaldson.

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Right from the start, the Director had the strange, niggling feeling that it was going to be a long day. 

Dawn was still a long way off as the equipment was being set up to film a relatively beachy scene. The Director knew that today was the last day he had to finish the making of this scenario's script. Fortunately for him, they only had a few more scenes to film. 

_Sure, I get a whole week to finish this..._ the Director thought bitterly. _It somewhat makes sense, but still, a week... the director in charge of Pogo's story got at least a month! Well, ok, calling Masaru's scenario thing a story is a bit of a stretch... geez, I wish I got Akira's story to direct. At least that is somewhat interesting and plotful._

The sun slowly started to rise. Taking a sip of his coffee, the Director glanced in another direction. "Okay, Takahara and Olbright! You're on in five minutes!" he screamed. 

  
Rushing to the scene first was an extremely tall man with a severe lack of hair and wearing only a pair of pants, thus showing off his tattooed back. "Well, I know I'M ready!" he bellowed. "I don't quite know about the other one, though."

"Ok... Odie Olbright is present..." the Director said, noting it down on a piece of paper. "I'd trust you to be the first one here.".

"Heh, Masaru's probably whimpering in his bed right now..." Odie said while smirking. There was a slight glint in his eyes when he had said this.

"For his own sake, he better not be..." the Director stated before taking another sip from his coffee.

Four minutes passed uneventfully, before a young Japanese man limped onto the scene. Unlike Odie, he had hair and wore a red bandanna around his head, a purple parka and a pair of mustard-coloured jeans. "Director?" he asked.

"Well, look who finally appeared!" Odie exclaimed.

"Olbright, go amuse yourself on the beach, okay?" the Director said, pointing in the direction of the beach. He then turned to the newcomer. "Okay, Masaru, what is it? I'm on a deadline here and we were supposed to start by now.".

"Well, yesterday, Max Morgan forgot we were acting and practically flung me into the floor..." Masaru said, flinching at the memory.

"I know that. I WAS there." the Director interrupted, unimpressed with Masaru's excuse.

"Can I finish?" Masaru snapped. "ANYWAYS, after the fight, my right knee started hurting really bad, and I saw the doctor about it, and... well, just read this.". The young man handed the Director a piece of paper.

"Let's see... 'Masaru Takahara is suffering from a sprained knee at this moment. He should be exempt from all activity that requires the use of said knee. Signed...'..." the Director read. He frowned in distaste at the piece of paper, also commonly known as a 'Doctor's Certificate'. "Well, this is just great. One day to go, and our leading man is injured! Just what are we going to do now?". 

Odie looked up from where he was kneeling at the beach. "You could just have him be killed off..." he suggested.

"And have the person in charge of this project angry with me? I don't think so, Olbright..." the Director replied sourly.

"Then why don't you tell the person in charge to get stuffed?". The tall man turned back to the beach, and placed his left arm into the water, as though he was reaching for something.

"I'd get fired." the Director replied. "My only other option is working at McDonalds, and let's face it, this pays better.".

"Directing and McDonalds? I don't see the connection in that." Odie said, pulling a crab out of the water. He raised the arm clenching onto the crab, when...

"Odie, what the HELL are you doing!?" Masaru screamed.

Odie looked in Masaru's direction. "Smashing crabs." he replied. "It's rather fun, you should try it someday.".

Masaru looked unimpressed. "Well, it would be fun for you, since you're evil and all..." he muttered.

The Director, meanwhile, was not listening to the exchange between Odie and Masaru. Instead, he had walked into a small house nearby and borrowed the phone. As you may have figured, he was now talking on said phone. "Hello, sir?" he said. "Masaru sprained his knee and therefore I need an extension on the project... ... ...ONE DAY!? Sir, a sprained knee takes more than a day to get over! ... ...oh, so I've got to find a replacement for Masaru. Where am I supposed to do that? ... ...oh. That's real good logic there. Ok, that's all. Bye.". The Director hung up, rather miffed at the exchange.

_"Hire another Jap", he says.. _ he thought to himself, walking back to the filming area. _"All Japs look the same", he says... somebody obviously doesn't watch much Anime.._ The Director had returned and was sitting down in his seat... just as Odie smashed a crab on one of the rocks nearby. "Olbright, that is DISGUSTING." he said in a harsh tone.

"He knows that, I already told him." Masaru retorted. "So, how did it go?".

"The good news is that we have an extension..." the Director said.

"CRAP!" Odie could be heard screaming from down at the beach. 

"No comments from the Peanut Gallery, Olbright!" the Director screamed back. "Anyways, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the good news is that we have an extension, but the BAD news is that it's only one day and I'm supposed to find a replacement.".

"A replacement? And where are you going to find someone as great as I?" Masaru asked.

"Ego, Takahara.".

"Sorry." Masaru looked down at the sand, looking rather sheepish.

"Now, as for the replacement, I'm not quite sure..." the Director said, looking thoughtful. "The guy in charge of this project said to just find another person who was Japanese, but unlike what he thinks, not all Japanese people look the same...".

"AAAH! GET THE HELL OFF MY FRICKING FINGER!" Odie was screaming. The Director and Masaru looked in his direction, only to see Odie running around with another crab clenching tightly onto his finger, in a sort of vengeance for what happened to that last crab.

"He deserved that." Masaru said bluntly. 

"I'll say." the Director murmured in agreement. "Now, back to the point... just where am I going to find a decent enough replacement for you?". 

Masaru shrugged in response. "Well, there aren't many Japanese-looking people working on this project, so you may want to look elsewhere..." he murmured.

"Wait, this project... THAT'S IT!" the Director exclaimed, having had a revelation of sorts. "I'll be right back, people... and then with some luck, we can get started!". The Director then ran off.

_Wait a minute... if he's going to hire someone from this project..._ Masaru thought, trying to figure out the Director's brainwave. Then, it hit him, much like what Odie is trying to do to the crab on his finger. _ACK! This is NOT going to be good for what is left of my reputation!_

-----

And thus ends part one of the first episode of "Director's Agony", "Everybody was... not quite Kung-Fu Fighting". I like that title.  I want to establish some things, though.

Don't ask me why, but Odie Olbright strikes me as the sort of person who would kill poor innocent creatures in malicious ways in his spare time.

And Masaru strikes me as having a slight ego problem.

No crabs were REALLY harmed in the making of this. However, one was scarred for life.

I was planning on starting the "Director's Agony" series for quite a while. However, although I was originally going to start with a Live A Live based idea, it wasn't this one. The one I WAS going to write was "What if Cube's scenario was based on a Soap Opera instead of Science Fiction movies?". However, this idea lodged itself in the creative portion of my brain and refused to leave.

This is not something you really need to know, but my Spell Checker insisted on changing Odie to "Oldie". 

I hope that sets everything straight. Part 2 will be coming soon… IF I don't forget to write it, that is. Reviews are welcome, criticism is welcome, and flames will be laughed at.


	2. "He'd probably faint if something were t...

*wanders in, stumbling about with a few CDs, a Maths book, a Physics book, a Chemistry book, a bunch of papers and some pens and pencils*. Gah, priorities. Year 11 bogs me down with tons of work. Oh well, it's not going to stop me from writing fanfiction. 

DISCLAIMER : I still don't own Live A Live. That's probably a good thing. If I owned Live A Live, it would be more insane than it already is. No, Live A Live belongs to the nice people at Square of Japan.

Oh yes, the main subject matter for this one will NOT be surprising for people who know me at least marginally well. (Or, who have read my DiaryLand entries.) No spoilers in this one, as far as I'm aware.

*sits down, opens old Maths book and starts doing some work from it* What are you still doing here? Watching me do my Maths work isn't exciting! Go read the fic. Oh yeah, I make no promises on keeping the characters "In Character". So if you think a character is acting out of character, don't come whining, please. And the English Version Translation names are being used. You know, to avoid confusion.

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DIRECTOR'S AGONY - "EVERYBODY WAS... NOT QUITE KUNG-FU FIGHTING."

A Live A Live Alternate Universe fanfic, Part 2.

By - Helen Donaldson.

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We begin our little story here again with the Director running off to find the replacement for Masaru, Masaru standing there in shock and Odie still trying to remove a crab from his finger. Of course, as sadistically amusing as it may be, we will not be watching Odie deal with his slight crab problems.

Instead, our story continues on the civilian transport known as the Cogito Ergosum, or, more specifically, said transport's Refresh Room. The faint strains of the "Captain Square" theme can be heard in the background as the human beings and robot were milling about, minding their own business. However, it was not to last, as...

"Rachel, this is NOT the time or place to be doing that!". At this sudden announcement, a tallish young man  with dark skin and curly black hair, whom was wearing a green jumpsuit, promptly spat a mouthful of coffee out through his nose.

"CUT!" the Director for this scenario yelled in exasperation. "Huey, that was a WONDERFUL spit take, but Kirk.... you were NOT supposed to say anything during this scene!".

Kirk, a tall caucasian man with short, spiky blond hair and who was wearing a green jumpsuit almost identical to Huey's, looked in the direction of the rather annoyed director. "I was only trying to help!" he claimed, in a less-than-sincere tone.

"You're mean, Kirk...." Huey grumbled, covering his lower face with his left hand. As you might have assumed, the experience of having hot coffee go out through his nose was hardly pleasant. 

A small spherical robot wearing what looked like a large pair of square glasses and a red cap looked upwards at the human beings as best as it could, and let out a concerned beep. 

"Don't worry Cube, he'll be fine." a rather short young boy with short black hair, whom was wearing a similar green jumpsuit, a blue cap and a pair of glasses stated. The robot, identified as Cube, beeped questioningly. "I'm serious here. If he can take Kirk's tormenting, he can certainly take this.".

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, Kato, but names really, really hurt...." Huey responded defiantly, looking somewhat dismayed. 

Kirk raised an eyebrow at this. "I'm sorry, does my name calling really hurt you that much?" he said, while sneering. "Ok, I promise I won't do it again....". 

Huey looked in Kirk's direction, a small glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Really?" he said, his tone of voice somewhat suspicious.

"Sure." Kirk replied, a smirk forming upon his lips. "....Chicken.".

"Hey! You PROMISED!" the dark man shot back, in a tone that can only be described by 'whiny'. At this, Cube scurried across the floor, and hid under the table, emitting a somewhat frightened beep.

Kato smacked his forehead at this exchange, somehow managing to not ruin his glasses in the process. _I do not know them. he thought, somewhat annoyed. __I do not know them. I have never met these people in my life. They are total strangers who I have to work with. I do not know them. Kato's thoughts, needless to say, continued on in this vein._

Before Kirk could respond to Huey's outburst with a snide comment, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. He turned around, and saw a rather large-busted young blonde woman with her hair tied up in a ponytail atop her head, and wearing a red shirt and green cargo pants held up by two suspender belts. "What was that for, Rachel!?" he demanded.

Rachel sighed. "If you were any meaner, you'd be a stereotype." she said calmly. "I wouldn't normally be reacting like this, as this IS Huey you're picking on....".

"Somebody didn't inform me that this was 'annoy the assistant' day...." Huey muttered under his breath. Of course, this comment was ignored.

"But, don't think I didn't hear what you said to get him to spit his coffee out like that!" Rachel continued, her voice on the verge of going into a full-blown scream. Her hand moved as though she was going to slap Kirk,  but she quickly thought better of it, and instead turned her back to him. "You're sleeping on the lounge tonight." she stated, in a bitter tone.

Corporal Darth looked up from where he was sitting, rather unamused at the exchange. He chose not to say anything, until finally deciding on an appropriate phrase to use. "You're all a bunch of immature children.". 

"Thank you!" the four humans chimed. From under the table, Cube beeped in appreciation. If Corporal Darth had a response to that, he would have quickly decided that it was crude and unlikely for a man of his caliber to say. Instead, the army-man maintained his taciturn act.

_I wonder if the guy in charge will give me hazard pay for all the brain cells I've lost due to this cast.... the Director thought in disdain, rubbing his temples. He then turned to the Cameraman. "Have we stopped filming yet?" he asked._

The Cameraman shook his head. "I figure this could be a potentially good scene!" he responded.

The Director frowned in response. "You're wasting film." he stated bluntly. 

"Sorry....". The Cameraman lowered his head, ashamed, and he reached over to flip a switch on the side of his oversized video camera. "I'll never do it again, I....". The Cameraman's short speech was interrupted by the unmistakeable sound of a doorbell ringing.

"I'LL GET THAT!" the Director said quickly. "Time out, everyone!". The Director ran over to the door and opened it.... only to see the Director of Masaru's chapter standing there. "What do you want?".

(Author's Note - To save confusion, the director of Masaru's chapter will now be referred to as D1, and the director of Cube's chapter will now be referred to as D2. Sorry for the interruption, I'd give you a cookie for dealing with this, but I don't have one. On with the story.)

"Excuse me, is this the Science Fiction Chapter's filming room?" D1 asked.

"No, it's the local depository of human waste." D2 replied sarcastically. Screaming could be heard in the background, but seeing that the directors were a fair way away from the cast members, it sounded like gibberish.

D1 glanced into the room. "Human waste? I don't see any human waste...." he mused, in confusion.

"Sarcasm." D2 said in a frustrated tone.

"Riiight. Say, can I ask a favour of you?" D1 asked. As you may have figured out, the screaming in the background continued.

D2 sighed. "No, I'm not loaning you my credit card again. You maxed it out last time.".

"Damn." D1 said, snapping his fingers. "But that wasn't what I was going to ask you. Um... could you come out here? It's a bit too.... noisy in there."

"Sure, fine, whatever." D2 sighed, walking out of the door.

At this point, we would either record the director's conversation, or what exactly is going on with the Cogito Ergosum cast. However, since the conversation isn't interesting, and the cast members are acting too much like children for most people's personal tastes, we will skip to around fifteen minutes later. Deal with it. D2 walked back into the room, shutting the door behind him.

_Times can be desperate.... D2 thought to himself. __Even more so if someone must ask for help from one of.... Typically, his train of thought derailed, and he sat back into his chair._

"Well?" Rachel asked, turning in the direction of D2. 

"Let's just say I've got either some good news or bad news, depending on how you want to look at it." D2 sighed. "The thing is, the other director there asked me a favour, and I was only too happy to agree to it. So,  you're getting the rest of the day off....". Mass cheering could be heard. "That is, everyone except for Watanbe over there.".

"Um, excuse me, I have a name...." Kato objected.

"And I don't care. You're a Watanbe as far as I'm concerned, so shut up." D2 ordered, and Kato was quick to obey. "You see, the other director wants to borrow him because HIS lead got injured.".

Corporal Darth looked in the direction of D2. "Hang on, that was the director for the Modern Age chapter, wasn't it?".

"Yes, your point?" D2 asked.

"If you'll pardon me for wondering, why is he asking to borrow someone who clearly has no fighting experience to participate in a chapter like that? I mean, he'd probably faint if something were to fall on his head...." Corporal Darth commented. Then.... "AAAGH! That bloody hurt!". From under the table, it could be seen that Cube had ran over Darth's toes, perhaps as vengeance for what had been said about his creator.

D2 rolled his eyes. "Cube, try that again and I will be forced to dismantle you.". In response to this, Cube beeped sadly and backed away from Darth's feet as best as it could. "Now, to answer your question, Darth, he was looking for a look-alike." he said, somewhat annoyed.

"I see." Corporal Darth said, not satisfied with the answer, but not willing to question D2 about it either.

Meanwhile, back at the beachy scene, the cast and crew of the Modern Age chapter were eating lunch. Next to where Odie was sitting lay a broken crab shell, and Odie himself was eating what was formerly the interior of the crab.

_The Animal Rights Society is going to be pissed.... Masaru thought to himself._

-----

And that's another part of "Director's Agony" finished. That means.... it's halfway done. *coughs* My notes :

Cogito Ergosum is, apparently, the saying "I think, therefore I am" in Latin. Interesting name to pick for your ship, Captain Hall. :P

Am I the only one who thinks that Kato is a Watanbe? I mean, Watanbe is a recurring theme in the game, and it's always about a father and son. Since it's unclear who the son is in Cube's scenario, my theory could be quite possible.

The way I see things, Kirk is a bastard. Even if he does get some of THE best lines in the game. 

And Kato said it himself, Kirk and Huey are polar opposites. That doesn't mean I didn't take a few liberties with Huey's character, though. -_-

Rachel's character I took FAR too many liberties with. She's one of those characters I just can't get a good grip on. (Err, not like that.)

This is the first and last time I'll be using D1 and D2. Mainly because this was the only chapter D2 was going to be in. 

Next part will be finished.... eventually. I know, I know, this chapter was kind of weak. Don't worry, only two more chapters to go, and then you can conveniently forget about this thing. ^_^


	3. "Kirk, you're the only one who can choke...

Mwaaah. When I was close to finishing this, a hard drive crash wiped ALL of my hard work. So, I had to start this chapter again. So, if this chapter isn't as good as it could have been, THAT'S my excuse. I may do a revision of this chapter after the series itself is finished.... or make "Director's Agony Uncut". Either way, it's more much-delayed work for me, the lazy author, and not much work for you, the reader.

****

DISCLAIMER : I never have, and most likely never will, own Live-A-Live. I'm just borrowing the characters and such, trying my best not to get them stained by my grubby fingers. The director I own, sort of. The fanfic belongs to me, so if you steal it and claim it as your own (not that you'd want to), I will be very upset.

Sorry for the long wait. I wanted to finish "Spherical Robot", but part 3 of this has been MUCH too long in the works (and the disk problems in April certainly didn't help). That's me, resident spountaneous and random writer.

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DIRECTOR'S AGONY - "EVERYBODY WAS.... NOT QUITE KUNG-FU FIGHTING."

A Live-A-Live Alternate Universe fanfic, Part 3. (Or, "The Amazing Pointless Chapter!")

By - The utterly confusing Helen Donaldson (and all of her aliases).

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What remained of the day was interestingly quiet. No screaming from any of the cast members, no conflicts to speak of, and most importantly, no sign of Odie Olbright smashing crabs again. It seemed as though it would remain this way until the "big fight" tomorrow.

Seemed, because that wasn't the case once Rachel caught Kirk writing on one of the walls in the cafeteria.

"What ARE you doing, Kirk?" Rachel asked, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him menacingly, despite the fact that Kirk had his back towards her.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kirk replied, still facing the wall.

Rachel rolled her eyes, and leant over Kirk's shoulder. Under a sign which read 'Project Live-A-Live Cafeteria', the gruff blond had wrote 'Intelligence Optional'. "That is so true that's not funny...." she mused.

"I'm not finished." Kirk growled. "I've still got to write the sorts of insults about other cast members that you see in women's bathrooms.".

Rachel blinked, shocked. "Kirk, please tell me you haven't been into a women's bathroom.".

"Don't be stupid, that's not my area!" Kirk shot back, unable to hold back a grin. "I have a female friend in this project that told me that.".

"Oh really?" Rachel asked mockingly. "And here I was, thinking that I was the only girl who could stand you!".

"Hardeharhar." The tone in which Kirk said this was extremely sarcastic. 

"Seriously, though, who's this girl?" Rachel asked. "Maybe I could catch up with her and find out if you're lying to me.".

"I don't think you've met her, but she looks a lot like you." Kirk replied. "Only I don't think she has silicone implants.". Rachel resisted the urge to slap Kirk.

"And what's her name?" Rachel asked. "This girl has to have a name, unless she's an imaginary friend....".

"Her name is Annie." Kirk interrupted. "And she's working in the Western chapter.".

"Oh really?" the blonde girl enquired. "Well then. We'll just see if you're being truthful.". She walked out of the door and left.

__

Maybe I should have told Rachel that now wasn't a good time to visit her.... Kirk thought as he put his attention back towards his 'masterpiece'. _Oh well. Her loss. Now then...._

Kirk raised his marker and started to write down the next part of his 'masterpiece', when from the corner of his eye, he could see Huey rushing into the cafeteria carrying a piece of paper, thus gaining the attention of the cafeteria lady on duty. _Looks like I won't be able to finish this now. _he thought, putting the lid back on his marker and placing it in the back pocket of his pants.

"Here, take this. It's from the Modern Age set." Huey said quickly, handing the piece of paper to the cafeteria lady, before leaning on the wall to catch his breath.

"I thought one of the rules here was to not run in the cafeteria." Kirk asked mockingly, also leaning on the wall, except he was covering up his work.

"You're one to talk about breaking rules, Kirk." Huey shot back. "Writing on the walls.... should know better.".

Kirk frowned. An uncomfortable silence, sans the noises of food being made in the background being heard, followed. After a while, the blond got annoyed with the lack of noise, and promptly walked over to Huey and kicked him in the shins.

"OW!" Huey yelped in response, jumping away as far away from Kirk as possible. "Now what was THAT for?".

"I was bored." Kirk replied.

"Wow!" Huey cried, somewhat fascinated. "I always had my doubts, but now I'm absolutely positive. Kirk, you really ARE a bastard!". 

"Am not." Kirk said, somewhat annoyed. "I just play one on Live-A-Live.".

Huey opened his mouth to make another comment in his vein, but quickly decided against it. "Maybe I won't argue with you." he sighed.

"Then I guess you really are a chicken." Kirk said, grinning maliciously.

"Am not!" Huey shot back in his whiny tone of voice. Quickly realising his mistake, he coughed and tried his hardest to retain his normal tone. "It's just that I would have better luck arguing with a brick wall.". 

It was then that Rachel had returned to the cafeteria. She glanced at Kirk frustratedly. "You could have told me that they were filming." she stated bluntly.

"I was going to, but you went before I had the chance!" Kirk said, making himself sound as sincere as a notorious bastard could be.

"Well, she told me to give you this. Director didn't want me to, so I get the feeling it's something illegal...." Rachel said, showing a paper bag to Kirk.

Before anyone could blink, Kirk snatched the bag, took a glance inside it, and grinned. "God bless you, Annie." he said, his tone of voice almost monstrous.

"Alright, judging by that, it WAS illegal....". As she said this, Rachel was nervously backing away from Kirk. 

In response to this, Kirk let out a laugh that scared the wits out of the several mice hiding in their holes in the cafeteria. "It's not what you're thinking, dear Rachel!" he bellowed, pulling out the contents of the bag - that is to say, a bottle of tequila.

The first response to that did not come from Rachel, nor did it come from Huey. Instead, it came from the Director of the Modern Age chapter, who decided to poke his head into this whole mess to find out what is taking the afternoon tea orders so long to make. "Hey, you with the bottle!" he yelled. "I don't remember your name, but....".

Once again, interruption. "The name is Kirk. What's it to you?" the blond growled, placing his currently most valued possession back into the paper bag.

"Was that what I thought it was?" the Director asked, preparing to go into a rant about why alcohol is not good for the well being of anyone smart enough to know how to read.

Of course, there was no way that Kirk would risk the loss of his precious tequila by telling the truth. "Of course not! It just happens to be creaming soda in a bottle shaped like a tequila bottle!" he lied, and quite blatantly at that. 

While suspicion gnawed at the back of the Director's brain, he was unable to demand that Kirk prove that the tequila was in fact creaming soda. That would be because, as the Director was about to suggest it, two trays of lamingtons, a large thermos of coffee and a few packets of paper cups were placed on the Cafeteria bench.

"Out of curiosity, why is it that lamingtons are almost always associated with afternoon tea?" Huey asked, managing to steer the Director's attention elsewhere.

"In our case, it's because they're cheap at the local suppliers and we don't have the money to buy snacks of more variety." the Director replied, picking up one of the trays. "You gonna help?".

"Sure, why not...." Huey sighed, picking up the other tray. "Have nothing better to do.". At that, the two left the room on the way back to the beachy scene mentioned a fair while ago.

"When has he ever?" Kirk said, elbowing Rachel in the stomach, gaining some slight laughter from the large-busted blonde. 

"I HEARD THAT!" the unmistakeable sound of Huey's voice whined from in the distance. 

"But seriously, Kirk...." Rachel sighed. "Since I caught you writing on the walls when I first came in here, it's like the pot calling the kettle black.".

"At least writing on the walls is more productive than sitting on your arse and doing nothing." Kirk pointed out.

"Point taken.".

A long silence followed, before both blondes had come to a mutual, unspoken decision - to see what exactly was going on with the Modern Age chapter. The walk to that beachy scene was a fairly long one, and perhaps it was just as well, for the pair would not have missed anything otherwise. The six fighters of the chapter said at one table, eating and having discussions of their own best not repeated in this tale. Masaru leant by another table on a pair of crutches, while Huey was leaning on the table itself, and Kato was lying on the ground near the table, panting heavily and in some amount of pain, Cube by his side watching in concern. The Director and Odie were nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, you okay, Kato?" Rachel asked, kneeling down by his side. An agonised groan was the reply she had gained. "That bad, huh?".

"It gets worse." Masaru interjected, Cube beeping in agreement. "But it's not a tale anyone in their right mind would want to hear." 

"Except for, quite possibly, a certain unnamed cast member of our chapter." Huey couldn't resist adding.

Kirk had a choice between either ignoring Huey, or punching him in the stomach for that comment. As much as he may have desired otherwise, he chose the former, and instead kneeled down beside the other side of Kato, pulling out his bottle of tequila. "Here, have some of this. It's good for what ails you." he said, undoing the cap and pouring a mouthful of the stuff into Kato's mouth.

The reaction was immediate. Kato forgot his pain, and sat up, spitting madly. "Eck, Kirk!" he yelled, also forgetting that he was supposed to be one of the more level-headed members of the cast. "What IS this stuff!? It tastes AWFUL!".

Kirk grinned. "Just tequila. Nothing special." he stated.

Both Huey and Masaru groaned, while Rachel smacked her forehead and Cube beeped in a sort of groaning fashion. "Pardon me for saying this, but...." Huey sighed, pausing for a moment to think of his answer, before continuing. "Kirk, you're the only one who can choke the crap down!". He then looked down at Kato. "I'll get you some water or something, okay?" he said, getting a nod from Kato, before running off.

"Just because you can't hold your liquor!" Kirk yelled back in response, replacing the cap and placing the tequila bottle back in his bag. It was then that Odie had chosen to return.

"Ugh, what do YOU want?" Masaru grumbled, glancing in Odie's direction.

"Just wanted to see what your replacement was like." Odie snarled back, before averting his attention to Kato, whom was still spitting in an attempt to get the aftertaste of the tequila out of his mouth. "Hmmm, he's kind of scrawny. But he'll have to do....".

Cube beeped in response, in a manner which could roughly be translated to 'Harm my creator and you'll resemble a rotting piece of swiss cheese!'. In response, Rachel patted Cube's head as best as she could with the hat in her way. "That'll do, Cube." she said.

It was at this point that Odie moved his attention from Kato to Rachel, and he had decided that he most definetly liked what he saw. "Hey, you're pretty." he said lecherously, moving towards Rachel. "How's about we go on a date, hm?".

If anything, Rachel found Odie more repulsive than a bucket of rotting fish. "Over my dead body." she growled.

"Um, Rachel?" Kirk suddenly stated.

"Now what?" Rachel replied.

Kirk pulled out a small book marked 'Live-A-Live Script : Mechanical Heart', and flipped to a specific page. "Perhaps it's best you read this before you use that term again." he said, handing the book to the blonde.

Rachel read what was requested, and frowned. "Maybe I should rephrase that." she said.

It was at this point that Huey had returned, a paper cup filled with water in his right hand. "Here, it's not mouthwash or anything like that, but for now, it'll have to do." he said, handing the cup to Kato.

"Thanks." Kato said weakly, sipping at the water half-heartedly.

Odie decided at this point to can the lecherous act, and refocused his attention to Kato. "Heh." he snorted. "I'll be seeing you tomorrow. I hope, for your sake, you won't mind a broken bone or two.". With that, he walked off.

There was silence until Odie was well out of sight. When he was, Rachel spoke up. "I don't like him.".

"I'm sure that you're not the only one." Kirk said, motioning towards Masaru.

Masaru grunted. "How did you guess?" he stated, his voice heavily sarcastic.

Huey shook his head. "You know what?" he asked. "I am very lost here, and I'm not even sure I WANT to know what all that was about!".

"Good for you." Kirk muttered under his breath. It was then that the Director returned, in a rather non-descript manner.

"Hello, all." the Director said, not bothering to make his speech sound interesting. "Anyways, I've just gotten everything worked out.... and Kato, we're practising fighting techniques again in five minutes!".

What happened next could have been seen from a kilometre away. Kato dropped the cup of water onto the ground, and fainted. Cube beeped in - also quite predictably - concern.

"Oh bother." the Director sighed. Someone get a bucket of water."

-----

Whew. This pointless chapter is done, finally. Just consider it foreshadowing for the "big fight" which is to happen in Part 4, which will DEFINETLY be the final part of this stupid thing. But of course, my obligatory notes.

* Yes, I am well aware I bastardised the character of several characters in this thing. No need to tell me.

* I had to remove some things from this because I couldn't remember them well enough - I.E, an exchange between the wrestlers of Masaru's chapter involving a chicken lung in KFC food (based on a true story), and a lamington fight. Maybe I'll rewrite this chapter with those things in it.

* Apologies for dragging Annie into this mess, but there was no other sensible way I could get the tequila scene into this. And the whole "Kirk the drunkard" thing? An inside joke. Best not to ask.

* As for the tequila, it is actually a healing item in the Western and perhaps the Final Chapter. Heals a lot, but causes the status effect "Drunk". And no, I don't know what the stuff tastes like - I kind of had to reference from a movie we had to study for English *coughCOYOTEUGLYcoughcough*. 

I promise that the next part will take nowhere near as long to come out as this part did - even though I'll be doing next to no writing for the rest of this month due to upcoming exams. But I make no promises on any more parts of this being "funny" - I mean, after all, I don't try. I just write whatever my diseased mind comes up with.

Well, I guess I'll see you all at Part 4 (or Part 3 of "Spherical Robot"). Provided the exams don't drive me mad, that is.


End file.
